Friday, May 4, 2012

Love and Loss

Greetings!  I am returning and focused.  I have to say it was quite a journey getting back.  I have tried several times to write and regroup my thoughts but admittedly felt a little aimless and misdirected or rather felt a sense of no direction momentarily as I contemplated so many things.  Sadly my very dear friend lost her husband, her high school sweetheart in a tragic accident at the end of February.  They are the same age as my husband and I and have very much the same loving kind compassionate relationship as we do.  They held many of the same views on parenting and life.  When my day is hard and I look at the clock in anticipation of my husbands arrival home and I think of my friend who is parenting on her own now and tell myself, no matter how hard your day is it will never be as hard as looking at the clock knowing your spouse should be coming home soon but never will. It goes without saying that this tragedy was difficult and anytime someone passes it is very delicate and there are many feelings and emotions.  The accident occurred two days before my birthday and for me added an entirely different dimension of feelings and really made me think and contemplate my life and life in general.  We all have so many goals and ambitions and have chosen and re-chosen our goals in life.  I took this time of healing and gathering of my feelings and focused on careful consideration of what was important to me in my life.  I carefully considered financial, personal and relationship goals I had and spent time thinking about and continue to fine tune what is so important.  In light of this precious loss of life suddenly things that seemed important to me fell away and though I knew keenly how important life is and how fleeting, it brought about a very real sense of how very real, fast, and unplanned it can be.  I have always envisioned being a very old healthy lady laying in my bed saying my goodbye's to my loved ones and being at peace just passing away from old age gracefully and content.  I really hope this is true.  I know full well that we have no expiration date stamped on us at birth and I feel very strongly that when it is your time to go you will go.  However, admittedly I never see myself as passing away at a young age.  I am accepting that this happens to other people but not me.  This time however, I have came to sadly accept as painful and shocking and tragic as it may be.  I truly do not know and I really could be living my last day each and every day.  I am no stranger to death.  I have lost many many friends and family in my life.  Some people live most of their lives before experiencing the loss of a friend or loved one but I was not one of them.  I experienced and grieved over friends and family since I was very young.  Until this most recent loss I secretly kept the hope tucked away that it wouldn't happen to me.  Call it a coping devise and a way to feel assurance and safety in an uncertain world.  Whatever it may be I have emerged from my cocoon seeing the world in a different light.  Determined to hold even tighter to that which only really truly matters.  I have renewed passion for these things and look forward to sharing those with you.  Wishing you all the best.  Enjoy your Friday!

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